Excerpted from Voyages Into the Unknown
CHAPTER 8: THE DISK VISION'S MEANING
(A Probe Called Curiosity)
Copyright: Bruce A. Moen, All Rights Reserved
For months after Gateway Voyage I continued to piece together the meaning not only of the vision from seventeen years earlier but also an understanding of the greater question it pointed to. While gathering insights I thought about the Three Great Questions of my childhood: where did I come from before I was born?; what I'm I supposed to do while I'm living here?; and where do I go when I die? Pondering them I realized they were really different versions of the greater question, What am I?
I had to integrate what I had received during Gateway Voyage through direct communication with I/There, Monroe's Wednesday night talk and the Disk vision from the Spring of 1975. It took me a long time to absorb and understand the meaning. Even now as I write this, four and a half years after my Gateway Voyage, it is difficult to get much of my understanding into words. The only way I feel I can convey what I understand is in the form of a story about who and what I am. A story because so much of what I understand is in the language of feelings, not of words. As you read this story, as I am trying to explain who and what I understand myself to be, listen with your feelings. It's the feelings that communicate it best, not the words.
A probe called Curiosity
Into Itself Consciousness had launched a part of Its own awareness as a probe called Curiosity. Curiosity moved through the infinite possibilities of Consciousness transmitting awareness of Itself to Consciousness through an infinitely extendible, fine filament. Time had no meaning. Space did not exist. Yet Curiosity had been launched into Consciousness way back in the beginning with a Purpose. It had been moving through Consciousness forever with the purpose of discovery, gathering whatever it could find in the vast unknown. Consciousness had always been aware of Curiosity's every move, of course, connected as It was, through the fine filament.
Something strange, Curiosity aroused. Faint at first, something unknown had gotten Curiosity's attention as it moved through Consciousness. It was so strange, so unusual, it just had to be investigated to gather in knowledge of whatever it was. Whatever it was it was straight ahead. A jumble of something scratchy, shrieking and irritating. Curiosity could have described it perhaps as down right uncomfortable. But still, it had the Pull. Curiosity was a sucker for the Pull. This Pull had excitement and the thrill of discovery written all over it. After all, that had always been Curiosity's purpose in Consciousness, the thrill of discovery in the great unknown. Curiosity kept moving straight ahead, probing the Pull with everything it knew.
The Pull gets stronger
The Pull felt stronger now. Curiosity had passed by little blips of feeling, uninhabited planets probably, as it had continued to move toward the Pull. The little blips each had some of the same irritating qualities, but what ever was ahead had much stronger attraction, a tremendous Pull!
Curiosity is captured in an orbit
The Pull was getting weaker now, must have passed its source by light years, Curiosity thought to itself. Curiosity arced around to search for the highest intensity of the Pull again. When the intensity of the Pull reached its peak Curiosity accelerated toward it again, toward whatever this new jumble of feelings was. Back and forth Curiosity went, each time over shooting the maximum intensity of the Pull by less and less. Finally, very near its source, the steady blasting jumble was all there was to feel.
Curiosity closes down to investigate
The jumble of the Pull was so intense it felt like a horrendously, disorganizing noise. Later Curiosity might describe it as listening to a billion different radio stations blaring all at once. There were patterns in it to be sure, but it was all so loud picking out one pattern to follow was impossible. After trying everything It could think of to satisfy Itself by knowing the Pull, only one method seemed to work. If Curiosity closed down most of its awareness, to a level of just barely awake, it could feel patterns with purpose in the jumble of the Pull. Purpose! Curiosity understood Purpose! Discovery, gathering in whatever it could find was Curiosity's Purpose. The Pull was something jam packed full of somethings with purposes. With no time in Curiosity's awareness there is no way of knowing when It first found the Pull. No way of judging how long it hovered there, barely awake, taking in everything It could know within the horrendous noise of the Pull.
Curiosity moves in for a closer feel
Once in a while a pattern would stand out in the noise and Curiosity would follow it along until it disappeared in the blaring cacophony again. This began to occur with greater frequency as Curiosity, in small steps, closed down just a little more of Its awareness. Curiosity knew this was the only way to be closest to the horrendous noise of the Pull and still be able to function. Gradually much of the screaming jumble faded into a background hiss that Curiosity could more easily ignore. True, all that other noise will have to be investigated too, Curiosity thought back to Consciousness through Its filament. But closing down my awareness of it now is the only way I can follow any individual patterns in all the noise of this Pull. This Pull had by far the most concentrated collection of things to know Curiosity had ever come across. By closing down its awareness to everything else Curiosity could get close enough to satisfy Itself by investigating individual patterns in the Pull. It was while following a pattern in the Pull in this manner that Curiosity had, for the first time ever, fallen asleep.
Curiosity experiences The Separation
Curiosity awoke screaming (screaming?) in pain (pain?) from the pressure (what's pressure?) and the cold (cold, what's cold?) as it was expelled into a place (place?) where Curiosity first experienced The Separation. The pattern Curiosity had been following led to being born in the body of an infant living in the physical world. In time (time?) the baby grew, following the pattern Curiosity had unknowingly joined, in a place with hot and cold, dark and light, wet and dry. After it was born the clashing symbols of everything it experienced soon overwhelmed any awareness of who or what it really was. Its curiosity led it to follow every detail of its pattern so intensely it had no memory it had ever been anything else but alive in this pattern. This physical world had suns and planets and moons and stars and galaxies in a universe so vast it seemed to have no end. The planet it lived on, earth, had air to breathe, food to eat, things to touch and feel. Being Separated from awareness of who and what it really was did have one advantage. It could no longer hear and feel the screech and scratch of the emotional energies of ALL those other beings in the Pull. Concentration on the pattern it had joined was effortless for Curiosity now. Awareness of all that other jamming noise was gone. Best of all there were other Separated beings there to interact and play with.
Curiosity lived this first life, gathering in every thing it could find until finally, old and sick, it died. Back in the horrendous noise of the Pull, without the protection of unconsciousness, being dead was quite a shock! Curiosity quickly dove back into the relative quiet of unconsciousness to avoid the noise of the Pull. At death everything it had gathered, all it had come to know while living on this earth, came with it. Of course everything it had gathered remained with it when it dove back in.
Curiosity repeats the cycle in an almost endless loop
In that first life there were so many things left undone, unexplored and unknown. But most of all there were the emotional things, unresolved, between itself and other Separated beings. Curiosity, still asleep, had to go back again and again to find those beings it had been with before. There were wrongs to right, debts to pay and collections to make for what was due. You can guess what happened. Each time Curiosity went back again, born into a new body and new circumstances, it became further entangled in a bigger emotional web than before. New patterns to join, old ones to combine, the possibilities were endless. It's a good thing time has no meaning because Curiosity spent eons in this almost endless loop.
After the last cycle, Curiosity wakes up
Almost all the possibilities of that first pattern Curiosity had joined in the noise had played themselves out when it first began to remember who it was. It was memory of past lifetimes it had spent after being drawn back in by the Pull that had led to awakening. It was while floating in space, not far from earth, that Curiosity first realized what had happened. With most of the noise tuned out by its barely conscious state Curiosity had been looking down toward earth when it remembered. It saw memory after memory of lifetime after lifetime it had spent on earth. It remembered all the way back to when it had first been following the Pull and why. Curiosity remembered it was a probe sent by Consciousness to explore Itself and Its unknowns. It remembered being attracted by the Pull of emotional energies and closing down its awareness to allow gathering everything it could find. It remembered how it had then fallen asleep. Curiosity remembered becoming enmeshed in the emotional energies of the Pull and becoming lost in the Separation. Curiosity began to understand and know the essence of the Pull.
What Curiosity learned about the Pull
When Curiosity had first arrived the noise of the Pull had been a loud, random jumble of too many different feelings at once. It was like hearing billions of different radio stations blaring out their messages all at the same time. With Curiosity's awareness open to its normal level so much flooded in at once it had been impossible to listen to a single radio station at a time. With Curiosity's awareness closed down, just above unconsciousness, almost all the stations became an easily ignored background hiss. Closed down to this point Curiosity could tune into the thoughts and feelings in a single pattern in the noise. It had been able to follow along as these single patterns carried out their strange and convoluted purposes. Closing down awareness was the Separation that allowed one to survive and explore within the horrendously disorganizing noise of the Pull. Curiosity understood all who lived within the noise had of necessity closed down their awareness level. They were all living in the Separation to one degree or another. If they hadn't closed down they would be constantly bombarded by the horrendous, jumbled noise. They'd feel and hear the thoughts and emotions of every living thing in the entire physical world universe. Closing down was the only way to explore and it was the resulting Separation which blocked any memory or knowledge one's true identity.
Separation's effect on Curiosity's Purpose
Emotional energies and events were so engaging, so distracting, and led to so many different places. Curiosity had been unconsciously gathering these for eons of lifetimes. Consciousness had been aware all along of course, but with the Separation Curiosity had chosen there wasn't much Consciousness could do but watch. There had been no need for Consciousness to interfere. Conscious or not, Curiosity was still fulfilling its Purpose. It was gathering all the fine details of living in this place called the physical world.
Curiosity becomes a Disk.
Curiosity knew when it first closed down to explore one pattern in the noise that all the other noise would have to be investigated too. There was so much more to learn within the Pull. But now, not willing to fall sleep again and become lost in patterns that randomly came along, Curiosity decided to make a change. This time Curiosity would remain aware of who and what it was.
Some of the lifetimes in Curiosity's collection had followed similar patterns of emotional energies. Each had learned more in different time frames about details of a particular pattern. Some had been devils. Some had been saints. There were many, many others everywhere in between. Curiosity began to group together each of its selves who had followed similar patterns in its lifetimes. As it did, each group began to form a basic, coherent personality. When they were all sorted out and merged into their partners there were ten, maybe twelve, distinct emotional energy patterns or personalities. Curiosity gathered its selves all together in a constellation of Knowing, a Disk, a Cluster. All had become inseparable parts of what Curiosity now knew Itself to be.
Curiosity has a plan.
Looking at its collection, its Disk filled with the experience of its lifetimes, Curiosity pondered how to gather more it didn't know. By combining emotional energies, personalities on its Disk, into new patterns Curiosity could assemble new personalities. Each one it assembled from itself could be different than any combination Curiosity had experienced before. Each would have the same Purpose as Curiosity. Each would explore the unknown and gather in all it could find. Each would explore wherever its particular set of emotional energies Pulled it. Curiosity would stay at a safe distance away where the Pull was not so strong that it might be tempted to fall asleep again. In this way Curiosity could safely explore the rest of the horrendous noise of the Pull. Curiosity would use these newly assembled, combination personalities to make its own probes!
Curiosity prepares probes of Its own.
Curiosity was delighted with the simplicity of this plan. Using itself as a model Curiosity fashioned many probes, all connected to itself by a fine, thin filament of awareness. Each probe was connected to every part of itself on the Disk of Curiosity's personalities. Curiosity would launch these probes into the cycles of lifetimes on earth. They would follow their paths for lifetimes to where ever their patterns took them. But this time it would be different. Curiosity would stay back far enough to never fall asleep in the web of the Pull again. It would watch the progress of its probes, maintaining contact through the fibers of awareness, and safely gathering all the while.
Curiosity launches its probes.
Unhindered by considerations of time or space Curiosity was free to chose any where or any when in earth's future, past or present. These any wheres and any whens would serve as starting points for the probes. Pinpointing patterns within the Pull not yet fully explored, Curiosity launched its probes into times and places in the physical world. Oh sure, they would be lost in the Pull as they followed their patterns, but they would be gathering all along their way. Through their filaments of awareness Curiosity would receive knowing of their every move. And of course Curiosity would send, from each part of its Self on the Disk, guidance through the twists and turns of paths. This Guidance was Curiosity's attempt to maintain a probe's focus on its intended purpose. Experienced as feelings, thoughts, visions, intuitions, dreams and such by the probes, Curiosity could suggest places to explore and things to do. Traveling through the filaments of awareness from the Disk this guidance would assist the probe. And back from the probe, through the same filaments would come the experience and knowing of more patterns in the noise.
Adding to the Disk.
Curiosity had known all along it was bound to happen. Eventually one of its probes would begin to wake up and remember the origin of its curiosity. Once in a great while a probe came back to the Disk during one of its dreams. Probes hardly ever remembered the encounter after they left and reentered the distraction of the physical world. In fact during the dreams of probes was almost the only time Curiosity could communicate directly with them in any way. Even then their entanglement in the Pull usually distorted the communication so badly that such contact rarely added much direction to the lives of probes in the physical world.
It was always a treat when a probe began to wake up. It usually happened when they became curious about who and what they were. Some of them even found the Disk. It was a special treat when the probe had enough awareness to remember the contact. The more they remembered the greater the chance they would wake up on their own. When they did, wake up that is, they remembered the origin of their curiosity. That sometimes started a process of remembering that could culminate in a probe rejoining the Disk. When these probes rejoined the Disk they did so as new and distinctly different members of the Disk. They had been assembled as unique combinations of original Disk members and as such returned with unique understandings of the Pull. This was highly prized as it opened up so many more possibilities with which the noise of the Pull could be probed. As probes returned and remembered their origin, all they had gathered could be used to fashion new probes. Knowledge grew at an ever increasing rate as probes became capable of encompassing more and more of the Pull. This whole process had been going on for a very long time and the members of the Disk, all the parts of itself Curiosity had become, numbered in the thousands.
One of Curiosity's probes makes contact
On a Spring day in March of 1974 another probe had found the Disk. He had laid down on his buddy's toboggan, taking a short rest from the physical exertion of hauling steel across the snow. He had been in just the right frame of mind to remember when Curiosity sent the Guidance. He was mentally alert and relaxed with not much distraction in his mind. Curiosity had presented a vision of the Disk. The probe had seen it! It was such a captivating image, so different from anything he had ever seen before. It had a soft, gently beckoning Pull and just like Curiosity, the Probe was a sucker for the Pull.
This Probe begins to awaken
As the Probe pondered the meaning of the Guidance Vision the process of remembering began. He started to remember who and what he is. It took seventeen years for Curiosity to make direct, conscious contact again. Seventeen years went by for the probe before he heard, We Love You in the random, pink sound of anther Pull. Now he knows he's an I/There. He's a less Separated part of the Total One Curiosity is becoming. And as he gathers more, satisfying his purpose, he knows some day he will rejoin the Disk as a new and unique member. He knows he is One with Consciousness who launched Curiosity as a probe, way back before there was a beginning. Of course Consciousness has been aware of this exploration of Itself all along, connected as it is by that fine filament of awareness to Curiosity.
In Bob Monroe's description of his I/There or Cluster he talked about watching as the last member of another cluster returned. He described that when this happened the cluster would wink out, it would disappear. He speculated that such a cluster might decide to create It's own reality, somewhere else. Perhaps this new reality would effect the experience of other probes it caught in orbit. Perhaps it would make a better world. I have not yet personally witnessed a cluster winking out so I don't know if that part is true. When I do maybe I will find more beyond that point to tell.
I hope you have been able to listen to my story about Curiosity with your feelings. If you listened to the words it probably sounded confusing. As I have continued to explore the New World of the Afterlife I have gained more insight into the vision of the Disk. It seems to suggest that we all exist simultaneously in many different locations. The Afterlife contains more than just dead people. We who consider ourselves to be alive live there too. I don't yet feel I know all of what that vision means, but I do know, I am Curiosity.